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4/14/20
I can't believe it's already been almost two years I started this blog. At the time I feel like I was in a very confusing and ambivalent space of mind; I was lost in what my passions were and did not have much direction in life. But throughout those two years, I've learned so much. I found what I love to do and want to pursue for the rest of my life (this would probably change in a few years, however) and somewhat have a sense of purpose. I think I am much more ambitious and driven than before and much more confident (I still have very much the same insecurities as two years ago). Yet still, I feel like I have nothing. I sometimes catch myself dwelling on what "I could have done" or what "I should have done", which really restricts my mentality. As I am writing this, I feel like a potato. A whole garbage bag. What's the point of writing this blog when no one is going to read it? Maybe one day I'll look back at this blog and see how much I've grown again, as I've done right now. My school year is slowly coming to an end, and I see myself become super anxious about what I dreaded the most since freshman year: college applications. Ugh. So. much. freaking. writing. Since I don't have a "great" GPA, my essays really do need to stand out. Although my resume is pretty stacked (or I hope it is), I still feel like it is insufficient to get into the college that I really want to go to. My SAT score sucks, according to multiple diagnostic tests.
Now I'm catching myself thinking about the negative stuff. Again. The reason I came back to this blog was because I needed that same feeling of purpose in life as I was two years ago. I remember starting this at around 3 am because I had nothing else to do. Right now, I have nothing else to do. Just watching videos and I found myself soooo exhausted. Not exhausted by doing so much work but exhausted of not doing anything. Is that even a real feeling? Anyways, I view self-worth as productivity, so today's not a very good day; I was so unproductive, I am nothing now.
I will work hard from now on since I've lifted some of that stress and repressed thoughts in my life as I am writing/journaling.
